I AM BREAKING OUT OF SHAME LOCKDOWN
For the past 7 years, I’ve been on a shame lockdown. This is a term one of my Fear to Freedom sister told me about the other day, and it rings true. For the past 7 years, I’ve been on a shame lockdown, being sorry for disturbing the world around me with my problems. “How is that a thing?”, I hear you say. Well, it’s quite simple. Imagine, you’ve put everyone and everything else before yourself so much and for so long, that the shame of having real problems and giving up on your body, your life, your career slowly creeps in; and before you know it, you’re paralysed by the fear of everyone seeing that shame. And just in case that wasn’t enough, when you actually make decisions for yourself out of pure survival, your people-pleaser self adds another layer of shame for having dared to do so.
“How can you be ashamed of being a good person?”- I was never ashamed of that. I was ashamed at what my “good person” choices led my life to look like. And I was ashamed of not making those “good person” choices when I truly couldn’t. Let’s face it, if you’re a millennial like me, who grew up in a middle class catholic background, you were most likely conditioned and told time and time again that life looks like this: School, Uni degree, Career, Job, House, Children. By 30, you should be on this track, otherwise… well, something is wrong with you.
I was on this track. I did all the right things, got my Master’s at 22 and by 24 I had a job I actually loved… I was ON THE TRACK. Not sure if I’d ever chosen the track I was on but I was on it. Hell, I had even lost the weight I had been battling with all my life.
Fast forward 6 months, it turned out my track had a crack in it. I call this crack: “The day my dad got diagnosed with cancer”. For TWO YEARS I kept moving forward on that same cracked track. For two years, I kept pushing, faster, harder, without breaks until I just couldn’t anymore. I started making choices out of survival for myself – yet always prioritising my mum and dad - which meant I had to disappoint my people-pleaser side and other people around me. I lost and burnt myself out, in more ways than one, throughout the 3 and half years of his illness. The worse thing? I convinced myself no one would understand my choices. Because I had not only chosen to stop my track, I got off it; to join a dark walking footpath full of holes, purely out of Love. But come on… Looking back now, what kind of a badass actually chooses the dark path. Well, ME. This badass.
For too long now, I’ve stayed hidden. For too long, I’ve stayed lost in this deep dark mist. It took me years to realise this cloud was shame; but I see it now. And not only do I see it, I have worked so hard to get familiar with it that now I’m not afraid of it.
The other day I realised I had – and I quote myself here – “Shamed myself into oblivion”. Why? Because at some point in my life, I made decisions that didn’t align with the status quo. Because at some point in my life, I decided to pause my career to care for the man who brought me up. Because when he passed, I decided to stop dying alongside him and prioritise my mental, physical and spiritual self for the first time in order to live again one day. Because despite the efforts of the world to try to get me back onto THEIR track, I’ve kept pushing on my own NEW track and listening to myself first.
Today is my dad’s birthday. It’s the 7th of May and soon it will be 4 years since he passed. It doesn’t get easier with time like society would have you believe. You just get used to it. But what a perfect day to let go of that shame once and for all, wouldn’t you say?
Today, I choose to be good enough.
Today, I choose to be good enough despite not making everyone happy.
Today, I choose to be good enough despite not everyone understanding me.
Today, I choose to be good enough despite not being at my perfect weight.
Today, I choose to be good enough despite changing career.
Today, I choose to be good enough despite struggling with grief and mental health.
Today I choose to be good enough despite not being married nor owning my own house at 30.
Today I choose to free myself from all the conditioned conditions of life.
Today, I choose to give space to opportunity and magic instead.
And to the one who isn’t sure about their life right now or going through a tough time: It's ok to change. It’s ok to get off track. It’s ok to change track. It’s ok to stop the track for a while. It’s ok to build your own track. But never let shame keep you off the track.
I trust that the ones who are meant to understand, will.
With love & without shame,
Alix