Have you been lost or just finding yourself?
If I were asked this question, my answer would be: YES.
Until now, I hadn’t realised how much my life had felt like one of those seesaw swings we loved so much, yet were desperately scared to get on when we were kids. This “all-or-nothing” kind of feeling when one moment you’re as high on life as can be, and the other you come down so fast that you heart jumps out of your chest and your butt hits the floor so hard you can’t help but wonder if you broke something. Yet you yearn to get back up so fearlessly, than when you reach the top you forget about the fall that ultimately has to follow, and how this all depends on the other kid on the other side of that swing.
Since giving so much of myself away to others and for others, I thought re-prioritising myself meant I had to, from now on, put myself in me-or-them, black-or-white, now-or-never, all-or-nothing, eat-or-be eaten types of situations.
I won’t lie and say coming to this realisation has been easy. It really hasn’t. I guess I just got tired of waking up on one side of the seesaw one day and on the other the next. I slowly understood how showing up 100% for myself one day and 0% the other was hindering my success, my growth, my happiness; basically my life. Some days I have been wanting to show up authentically, sharing my grief, my doubts, my fears but also my thoughts, my proud moments – I’ll call it the “seesaw high” -but then I start thinking about all the ways sharing all those would be received and understood and I freeze – the “seesaw low”.
Re-prioritising yourself doesn’t mean letting go of every one else on the way; it simply means learning to show up for yourself as much as for others in your life; learning the art of overall balance between you and the world. It means finding a way to exist for yourself first and growing with others in the long run. I means finding the “leveled seesaw” state most of the time.
Months of nervous system regulation, energy awareness, psychotherapy and coaching later… I AM CURED!! Kidding…I am better though!
But what got and still gets me to feel a little more like myself every day is constant awareness. We can only truly work on bettering something if we are aware of what it is right? Remembering what I learnt during my coaching certification: “we don’t know what we don’t know”, to me means doing the work to discover what it is that can help us feel more like ourselves every day; at least it is all I have wanted to do for these past few months. But you best believe that when I talk about work, I mean many things: from meeting new people, pushing yourself to do something uncomfortable, sharing a thought, crying, laughing, dancing, talking to someone, travelling… Dare I call it doing the work of Living?
By all means, I am not telling you that you have it all wrong if you don’t wake up wanting to figure it all out every day, because I sure don’t! But I want you to believe that you are worth it. Worth the investment in yourself, worth truly living the good life of your choice because kind, compassionate and leveled seesaw souls are needed in the world.
So, if you were to say that my “YES” doesn’t answer the beginning question, I would reply I have been busy learning the healthy balance between re-prioritising my-Self and giving to others.
YES I have been lost. YES I have been finding myself.
What do you think your answer would be?